osteichthyes's posterous

What in the hell is wrong with me?

That's always the burning question, it seems. I ask myself this right now as I consider the new gouges in the side panel of my car. How in the hell am I so hard on cars? I have dents, scratches, a torn-off driver's side mirror, and now the gouges. In the parking lot near my current favorite Indian restaurant, someone slammed on their brakes in front of me and I swerved to avoid the other car coming at me from the left. In doing so, I went over the edge of a curb, but there had to be something on it larger than a curb. What else explains the three parallel gouges?

I must get this fixed. I have to fix it, but I don't know where I'll get the money to do it. I cannot just drive around with it like this. I should fix all the shit at once. It'll be cheaper to get parts from a junkyard; maybe I'll have them paint the whole thing a different color. Navy blue? Brown? I need new wheels and tires, too. I don't know how much longer I can make these last. Two of the rims were bent this time last year. All four probably are now. I haven't had the tires rotated once since I got them (this time last year). Time got ahead of me, I guess. Thinking about this makes me sick at my stomach.

If I weren't so fiscally irresponsible, I'd have the money to fix this. But I don't operate on credit, so there's no fixing it and charging it. I will not ask Mom & Dad. I won't ask anyone. I'll do this. I'll fix my car. I'll make it look pretty again. I have to keep it running - it's paid off and I want to keep it up for another four or five years.

 

I often hate my abode. The hotel is kind of run-down. Things don't always seem to work. But it's cheap, and it's clean. Staying here not only gives me time to find a place I really want to live, but allows me to save on things like electricity, internet, and cable. It's probably a little cheaper than I'd pay in rent in an apartment, too. I want to buy a laptop. I must fix my car. I would like to build up a cushion against times of slow work. It doesn't seem as bad when I think of it. A few thousand for a cushion, five hundred to a thousand for a laptop (I want a macbook)... how much could fixing the car cost? Tires and wheels will set me back around six hundred - I'm not buying top of the line, just going for decent. The body work would cost a thousand maybe?

I swing wildly between self-assurance and wild despair. I make enough money, theoretically, to do this just fine. But my history of fiscal irresponsibility reminds me to doubt myself. I'm not drinking anymore. I'm not off shopping. Okay, so I eat out a little too often. I can change that.

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